Hi Reader!
The topic of this podcast episode came to me as I was walking in the woods listening to another podcast. The episode was about grief. I actually only listened because I have a friend who recently lost her husband, and I thought I could learn some ways of supporting her. I didn’t think I had experienced grief in my life. But it turns out, I was using a very narrow definition of grief. The many challenging emotions I had experienced through the years was actually me grieving! In retrospect, this made so much sense. I have experienced ambiguous loss A LOT in my life. I am guessing you have to. But ambiguous loss, is just that, ambiguous. We may experience it, and if we don’t know what it is, we can dismiss it as invalid. But it is very valid. And it deserves to be recognized and cared for as much as any other type of grief. For me, just being able to put a name to it, and understand what it was, made a huge difference. It was almost like someone gave me a permission slip to feel the way I was feeling anyway, but to do it with more self compassion. I hope this episode gives you the same understanding and permission that hearing this for the first time gave me. When we can learn to recognize ambiguous loss in our life, we can also learn to ask for the help and support we need and find ways that help us make our way through the grieving process with as much grace as possible.
Ambiguous loss falls under multiple categories. We will explore a few here.
Change In Identity
When we experience the tragic loss of a loved one, we get an outpouring of support. People understand the devastation that causes and react accordingly. But when we experience the loss of something more insidious like a change in our identity, the loss of the way we dreamed something would be, we may not feel like the loss is important enough to grieve. Especially when the loss comes with something that is seemingly good.
A great example of this is becoming a mother. Everyone around you was probably so excited that a new baby had entered their world. And yes, that is amazing and wonderful, but it is also really hard. And not just hard on a physical level. There is a change in identity that occurs with the entrance into motherhood, and that means we are saying goodbye to our old identity. We may carry parts of it forward with us, but those parts get incorporated into this new person you are becoming. We will never again be the person we were before we became a mother. We have to say goodbye to her and do it while we don’t even know who this new person is! We may have loved this old version of ourselves and want to hold onto her. But, in motherhood it quickly becomes clear that that is an impossibility. We aren’t supposed to be the person we were. We are meant to grow and expand, but that doesn’t mean we can’t grieve the person we were.
Other examples of this type of loss are entering a new career and leaving an old one behind, becoming an empty nester, and retirement. On a societal level, we would classify theses experiences as good, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have some complicated emotions around them.
And then there are those that don’t seem to come with a positive, like developing a chronic illness, aging, and loss of fertility to name just a few.
With each of these, we become a different version of ourselves. We see ourselves differently. Sometimes even more difficult to accept is that the world sees us and treats us differently as well.
Physically Present Psychologically Absent
Then there are the losses that involve another person who is physically present but psychologically absent. This could be caused by estrangement, divorce, dementia or long term deployment. This can even occur as our children move through the stages of growing up. We are excited that they are walking, but missing the baby they were, excited they are going off to school, but missing the quality time we had when they were at home, happy that they have friends they love hanging out with and activities they are passionate about, but missing the child who wanted to be at your side all the time. We are deeply missing someone who still walks among us, but we can’t connect with them in the ways we always did and or want to.
Loss Of A Dream Or Vision
We all have expectations and dreams for how our life is going to look. Even if we don’t realize all of them on a conscious level, they are there. And when reality doesn’t match our conscious or unconscious vision it hurts!
Maybe you thought you would have your own biological children, but had to let go of that vision and create your family in a different way. Maybe you assumed your kids would be healthy and they have physical or psychological struggles, that impact them and the whole family, changing your vision for not only your child, but your vision of what family life would be. Maybe you thought you would never be divorced and yet here you are, a single parent. Or maybe you had an idea of what socioeconomic bracket you would be in, but for various reasons, that is not the reality.
There are countless ways that life may not show up for us how we envisioned it would. When that happens we have to give ourselves the permission to grieve what we held close to our hearts and say goodbye to it.
That is true for all of these losses. For each type of ambiguous loss, we loved something and we had to say goodbye to it. Whether we believe that ambiguous loss is as impactful as bereavement (loss of a loved one to death), it still deserves a seat at the table of validation. So what do we do. How do we help ourselves through this period of grieving?
Tips For Coping With Ambiguous Loss
Identify Your Loss
Taking some time to really identify what it is that you are losing is crucial in moving through it. We cannot grieve what we don’t recognize. We might still feel a jumble of emotions, but be confused as to why we are feeling them and what to do with them. We may even become frustrated with ourselves, self critical or dismissive of our emotions if we don’t recognize what is happening.
Allow Multiple Emotions
You may have a jumble of positive and negative emotions during ambiguous loss. You love your new baby but miss your old self. You are excited for your child to be going off to college but your mourn your days of more hands on parenting. You are excited to start your life anew after a divorce but mourn the family you envisioned. All emotions are welcome here. Allow them and rest in whatever comes up in the moment.
Drop Comparison
We will all grieve each of our ambiguous losses in our own way and in our own time. Resist the temptation to try to get over something quicker or dismiss its impact on you because it seems like others are “fine” in the same situation. Your emotions are yours and they deserve all the time an attention they need to be neutralized.
Keep The Conversation Going
Sometimes we feel that we need to tuck our grief away to make others feel comfortable. But what we really need is a supportive community where we feel free and safe to talk about grief. This can be a partner, family member, close friend or mental health professional. Emotions are made of energy. Energy needs to be able to leave the body when it isn’t helpful to us. And talking is one way to make that happen. Have you ever heard yourself or someone else say “I just needed to get that out,” after they talked about something difficult. When we share our feelings with a trusted person or persons, we are literally “getting it out,” we are releasing what needs to be released for us to heal.
Mindful Moment Invitations
Label your grief by journaling everything you have lost for a particular situation. Be as detailed as you can. Once you are done, share it with someone you trust to open up a conversation.
Create a ceremony. Just like bereavement, ceremonies can help us bring closure to ambiguous loss. Some ideas would be to write a letter, plant a tree, have a special meal in honor of what was lost, light a candle and say a prayer or engage in a meaningful activity.
For losses of identity, look at what you want to carry forward with you from your old identity and figure out ways to weave them into your emerging identity. What are your non negotiables and what do they look like now?
Place a hand on your heart. There is a boatload of research on the efficacy of self touch in healing ourselves. It may feel silly at first, but trust the science. Place a hand on your heart and speak to yourself the way you would speak to a good friend who was feeling the way you are.
Love and Blessings Reader. I see you, I love you and I respect you.
In Gratitude For You,
Katie
p.s. My website is live! Check it out at katiefarinas.com!
