Mindful Moments – Positive Parenting Edition
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Hello Mama’s! Last week’s episode on the surface appears to be different than my usual content, appearing to be more about our children than us. But when you take a closer look, it actually all comes back to ourselves and our own self awareness and state of being. You know my saying “it all comes back to yoga.” Well yoga is a powerful tool for self discovery and realization. And that is what I mean when I say, it all comes back to yoga. It all comes back to our ability to pull back the curtain on ourselves and look deeply at our own fears, desires and motivations. Change on the outside is a direct result of change on the inside. Kristen helps us see that by breaking down how our brains work and what our souls really desire so we can be in cooperation with our kids instead of conflict. What Is Positive DisciplinePut plainly, positive discipline is a framework for parenting where the driving belief is that all human beings should be treated with respect and dignity. And that discipline is is about teaching and not about punishment. It also relies on being both kind and firm. Positive discipline is not about being permissive. Clear and firm boundaries need to be set, but can be done in a way that still respect the child. Furthermore, positive discipline relies heavily on clear communication and teaching our children how to communicate. This may be very different from how you were raised. You may have been raised in a household where authoritarian parenting, the shut your mouth and do as you are told type of parenting, was the dominant style of interacting with your parents. I was! Learning to do it different takes time and willingness to learn. And maybe some forgiveness for our own parents who were likely doing the best they could at the time. But as Maya Angelou is famous for saying, “When you know better, you do better.”
That Pesky Prefrontal CortexWho has heard of the prefrontal cortex? ππ»ββοΈ. This is the last part of the brain to develop and isn’t fully developed until between ages 25 and 30! Deep breaths everyone. You had an underdeveloped prefrontal cortex at one point too! This part of the brain is responsible for reason, morality, judgement, risk assessment, emotional regulation, the ability to empathize with others. Hmmm….can you see why your toddler might be throwing themselves on the ground and screaming because you dared to give them the peanut butter sandwich they asked for? Or why your teenager just didn’t realize that driving recklessly in the rain would result in a car accident? But here’s the thing, even us full fledged adults with fully formed prefrontal cortexes can get into trouble. Because when we feel stirred up inside by our child’s behavior we can literally flip our lid. What does that mean? It means that the prefrontal cortex goes off line and we revert to out lizard brain and fight or flight mode. We literally cannot access the skills that the prefrontal cortex offers. We are entirely in memories and emotions. And I guarantee you, if something has caused you to flip your lid, those memories and emotions are not good ones! And we will never parent in a way that we feel good about from this place. So what is the solution to this problem? How do we prevent this from happening? Well, we all know that we do better when we feel better. So, it starts, for both us and our kids, by setting ourselves up for success and going back to the basics. Setting routines (for us and our kids), getting enough sleep, eating healthy food, incorporating practices like meditation and deep breathing. If we want to garner cooperation from our kids, we want to make sure that we are both feeling good and that we communicate. But even good communication rests on feeling good. Wizard Brain vs Lizard BrainKristen says when she goes into schools she teaches kids about the wizard brain (prefrontal cortex intact) where we experience emotions like love, joy, creativity and connection. She also teaches them about the lizard brain (fight or flight, i.e. lid is flipped!). She says when we are here we are in our primal state of fear, anger, jealousy and self preservation. So, which one of these states do you think you are most likely to get cooperation from your child? Not a hard question. If your child is in the lizard brain, they literally cannot hear you. They are in perceiving mode. They have a perception of what your words or behavior means about them. Kristen says there is always a belief behind the behavior. So our job is to remain calm and become a detective of our child’s behavior. Once we understand the belief or perception behind the behavior, we can connect with them and then correct them. Connection before correction. The Misbehavior Is The Tip Of The IcebergThe misbehavior is the tip of the iceberg. Under the misbehavior is a universal need that is not being met. Positive discipline focuses on two universal needs, the need for belonging and significance and the need for power or freedom of choice in autonomy. When these needs are unmet they lead to 6 buckets of misbehavior which Kristen outlines in the podcast. Regardless of which bucket the misbehavior falls into, the root cause is an unmet emotional need. If we can discover what it is and connect with the child we will be able to set boundaries with love and respect. Make no mistakes about it, this is hard work. It takes practice and will feel foreign and uncomfortable in the beginning. But if we set the intention to connect before we correct and act on the assumption that our kids are good inside, we will be able to gradually, one step at a time, move toward positive discipline. Also, newsflash…..you will make mistakes. And that’s ok. You are allowed to mess up. But when you do, go back and make a mends with your child. Be honest about you part in what happened and ask for forgiveness. This will teach your child so much more than punishment ever could. Lastly, here’s a stat that can really relieve the pressure of trying to do this perfectly; according to Kristen, we only need to get this right 3/10 times to make a huge impact! Cue the sigh of relief. We got this mamas! Mindful MomentsTry incorporating practices into your routine that make you feel good. A morning routine can really set your day up for success. Pick something that works for you. A morning meditation, several rounds of deep breathing before getting out of bed, a prayer said every morning. Keep it simple and doable. It will still have tremendous impact on your ability to stay in the wizard brain. Make a list of important traits you want to instill in your children. Could be things like independence, kindness, success, the ability to hear their intuition. Whatever it is, gauge your discipline against this list. Will it help them accomplish these goals? The next time your child misbehaves, try connecting before correcting. I hope the information shared in this episode was helpful to you on your parenting journey. This parenting gig is no joke. It’s so much harder than I ever imagined it would be. But together, we are stronger. Leaning on each other for information, advice, a listening ear and a compassionate heart makes all the difference. If you want support along your journey, join my facebook group where we talk about the common everyday frustrations of parenting along with our own journeys as women returning home to ourselves. Together, we can raise kids that know they are loved, that they belong and that they are capable. What else could we ask for? Love and Light To You All, Katie
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